I’m sorry :(

I’d love to say that my 30 day absence was due to a combination of working, studying for finals, and family commitments, but none of that would be true. Honestly, I was just being a lazy-ass and I didn’t feel like writing for a while.

So… my bad. Will you forgive me?

Just kidding, your opinion doesn’t matter; only mine does. And I forgive myself. Thank you, self. Anyways, rest assured I’m now starting back up on this blog. I just needed a break from it.

On a related note, I was oddly tempted to get a Tumblr tonight when my unnamed red-haired friend switched over from her original blog on blogspot.com to a new [and better looking (the $50 was worth it)] microblog on Tumblr. I’ve been tempted in the past, and in fact I do have an account on the site, but I only use it to link to this blog. Until now I’ve never seriously considered using my Tumblr account to blog, for fear of my words being drowned out from all the noise of photos of prairies and galaxies. Also, Tumblr tends to break down from time to time while WordPress is constantly functional.

I really like the thin, clean style of WordPress, but at the same time I know that nobody else uses it and as a result less people will end up seeing what I write. So I’m caught between a rock and a hard place; do I try to get more views to my page by using a site that more people will see, at the risk of losing those readers’ interest by putting my lengthy paragraphs next to distracting pictures?

I really don’t know.

What the hell, I’ll try it and see how it makes me feel.

I restrict myself. There are reasons, but I really do hate it.

This blog is first and foremost a therapeutic tool to help me put my thoughts into words. When an idea has been recorded eloquently enough I feel like I can finally stop thinking about it, so until all my thoughts are down on paper (or internet) I’m not satisfied.

And I’m not satisfied.

I already wrote a whole post on my personal blogging rules, so I won’t go into unnecessary detail. Save to say, I don’t like to write about my personal affairs. Things can get real messy real quick when you start pouring your heart out online, a fact known all too well by my generation.

That being said, I have a lot on my mind right now and I don’t think I can put any of it on here. I want so badly for certain people to read it, and I want so badly for certain people not to read it. I’ll admit that blogging has given me peace of mind for the majority of my thoughts, but the same can’t be said for highly personal stuff like this.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m having a crisis, because I’m not, but these little things on my mind are driving me crazy and there’s no outlet for any of it. It’s got to go somewhere, and as much as I’m sure you’d like it to, it can’t go here. As Ron Burgundy put it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APAySMepRm8&feature=related

…Whoops. Wrong Anchorman quote. I hope you caught my meaning anyways.

Things are coming and going, but some things aren’t moving at all, and I don’t really know what’s going to happen. So for now I guess I’m stuck being a cryptic bottle-upper. As usual.

My Blog Filters

July 6, 2010

I don’t make posts on my blog as frequently as I used to. I attribute this not only to suddenly working two jobs, but also to the fact that some of the most burning thoughts in my head have already been posted here, or at least those which I think are blog-appropriate. I could post more frequently, but I have certain filters on what I write about.

I have no desire to simply post my day-to-day drudgery. For example:

“Today I started working at my camp. It was fun. Then I had to go work at Outback, which sucked because it’s not as fun. Now I’m typing.”

I also have no desire to mention any people I talk about by name, unless they requested it, which has happened, oddly enough. Even if the context in which they are talked about is very important, more important to me is the notion that I will never hurt anyone with what I post; a notion largely ignored by many online “authors”. That idea ties into the fact that…

I absolutely have no desire to post about any personal romantic enterprises I might have. For example:

“It sucks to be living in the same area as someone who you cared for and still care for, knowing that they’re just out of reach. Especially when you know that they still harbor feelings for you, despite their current attachments. Also, it sucks how sometimes coincidentally the most beautiful girls you know are the ones who are still in high school, rendering any flirtation… creepish.”

There’s a place and time for personal drama and romance, but it’s not here. I would only talk about things like that with the people I’m closest to, not on a public page where anyone can see it. I already made that mistake once during my brief stint with a LiveJournal. Yea I had a LiveJournal, what are you gonna do about it, write about it in your LiveJournal? You’re so ironic.

These filters aren’t concrete, and I may post about this stuff some day down the road, but in general I only write about the things I’m passionate about that won’t hurt anyone’s pride or feelings.

Speak: (v.) to utter words or articulate sounds with the ordinary voice; to express thoughts, opinions, or feelings orally.

[“So I had this uh, this dream the other night. Not last night, but, the night before that, I think. Or was it last night? No, wait, no, I don’t know, I think it was last night. But anyways haha, uh, yea I mean it was like, I mean, well, I don’t know, it was really cool, friggin’ awesome, it was like, uhhh, I’m not sure how to say this. Like, imagine you’re, like, I don’t know flying, cause you have powers, and like, you see a guy, and like you fly over him, but I mean, not over him just, around him? I don’t know but, in my dream I was flying and I did that, and that was my dream. It was so awesome.”]

 Write: (v.) to form characters or symbols on a surface with an instrument in order to express language in literary form.

[I was having had a dream last night. It was really cool, but I and I wanted to share<it>with you. In my dream I had <super>powers, and I was flying in my dream over this guy a person, and he called out to me, but I coudlntf couldn’t hear him. It was weird a peculiar dream indeed.]

Type: (v.) to mechanically produce characters or documents using a keyboard for a typewriter or computer.

[Do you ever have strange dreams where you’re doing something amazing, but you don’t even realize how amazing it is, because you’re in the dream? I experienced this the other night, when I dreamed that I had superpowers and was flying around my town saving lives, as well as testing my powers by setting off nuclear bombs and playing happily within the blast, completely unharmed. Oddly enough, it didn’t even register that such a situation was out of the ordinary, and so I thought nothing of it when a man on the street yelled to me as a flew around him, telling me to stop setting off nuclear bombs. I couldn’t hear him, yet somehow I knew what he was saying, so I stopped. “Whatever,” I said, “they’re just bombs.” That guy was a buzz kill.]

Despite the drawbacks involved with text, such as loss of emotional cues and difficulty with sarcasm, typing is my favorite way of getting my point across. Unlike with speaking, I have all the time in the world to think about what I’m going to say. Writing has a more personal touch, but the fact that I can’t backspace makes things way more stressful. Sure I can erase pencil marks, but that makes me look like a stupid mistake-making idiot. When I type I can create the illusion of flawless grammar and spelling, as well as go back and change my phrasing later if something looks awkward.

I think that’s the reason I enjoy having this blog so much. It’s the easiest way to get out what I’m really thinking. And I can do this: (>0_0)>

So it’s summer. Shouldn’t I be doing something fun and exciting? That’s what I’ve been lead to believe. Seems I’ve been lead astray.

My days at home, at first relaxing, now follow a predictable schedule, offset by the occasional and the infrequent. I wake up anywhere from noon to 2 p.m., shower, eat lunch/dinner, either watch TV or go to a friend’s house for a few hours, come back home and stay on my computer until 2 a.m., go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat repeat repeat. Sound familiar? I doubt I’m the only one suffering from the hometown droops.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t spend my whole summer in Bellingham; after a year of living in a place of such diversity and new and exciting things, I cannot and will not. My world is so much bigger than it was before college, and now I’ve got this burning desire to leave and see more of what the world has to offer. But, that’s difficult when you’ve got no money. No luck getting a job so far, but I’ve got hope.

I’ve milled over the idea of blogging for a while, mainly in the doldrums of my nights as an attempt at productivity. Yea I implied that a blog is productive, want to fight about it? No, you don’t. Because I’m a blogger and you know I’d kick your ass.

Tune in if you’d like. Or don’t. I don’t care [lie].