Miniskirt

November 16, 2010

This one’s long. Scary long. Beware.

When I was a senior in high school my friends and I started mass-commenting on this one facebook picture of our friends Brian and Liam, in which Liam was wearing a miniskirt over his pants. Somehow, after about 70 comments, we began writing a story, each of us creating a few sentences then trailing off for the next person to continue. The story became extremely long, and to us it was the most hilarious thing ever, albeit very juvenile and idiotic. It was our retarded literary love-child.

A few months later I found out that I had a 6-page paper due for my English class that I hadn’t known about, so being extremely strapped for time and knowing that my teacher had an appreciation for weird shit, I decided to splice together all the comments that were made on that facebook photo and put it in a word document, correct all the grammar, and pass it in as a creative work.

Someone recently commented on this picture again, and now that I’ve rediscovered it I’d like to share it with the world. It’s a classic memory from my high school days, and I can only hope that you find it half as entertaining as we did. (Take note that we were just high schoolers posting on facebook and so the writing itself is childish. Bear with us.)

MINISKIRT

Mike Cowell

English 12 Honors

Mr. Wall

May 6, 2009

This short story, entitled “Miniskirt” is a work of first-person science fiction crafted by several authors, listed here in order of greatest contribution: Mike Cowell, Brian Watson, Timothy Featherston, Liam Krasinski, Trevor McGlynn, John Rogers, and Michael Gray. The story was originally written on the social-networking website known as Facebook, and was formed by a single person producing one or two sentences, and then having another writer pick up where they left off, continuing in a chain of writers, to ensure intense variety and random humor.

I was hanging out with Mike Gray’s mother the other day when we decided to watch television. So I turned on the TV, and sure enough there was an ad inquiring about whether or not I would like to be a doctor. So I picked up the telephone and dialed the number for the closest pizza delivery service. Unfortunately, they were closed. So I put my pants back on, said goodbye to Mrs. Gray, and hurried out the door. But when I got to my car I realized that if I became a doctor I would get pizza; so I hurried over to Harvard and got my doctorate degree, and was then able to get my pizza. Then I ate the pizza, but I burned the roof of my mouth because the cheese was lava hot! So I ran as fast as I could to the nearest water fountain.

Just as I was about to take a drink, a stranger emerged from the shadows to my left. He offered me a job: to travel to the past. He had only done it once before, and said that I would have to bring my own weapons. I considered the offer, and decided to take him up on it.

I learned that the time traveler’s name was Brian Watson, and that he owned the only time machine known to man. He purchased the time machine from Spencer Wyant, an evil genius. Brian had used it to visit many historical events including the last supper, the crossing of the Delaware, Jesus’ crucifixion, and Barack Obama talking to small children. Brian informed me that on this voyage we would be going into the future, something he had never attempted before. I was obviously nervous about the whole thing, and it didn’t help when he pulled out his big long baseball bat and whacked me over the head, knocking me unconscious. The next thing I knew, I’d woken up in the year 2032 where everyone around me wore metallic glitter suits and rocked out to the likes of Wyld Stallions.

As I regained consciousness, I became aware of a hand reaching into my pants. I thought at first they were just looking for my wallet or my phone or something, until they suddenly grabbed… the keys to the time machine! They then ran to it and hopped in. I barely had time to jump on the machine before the stranger started rubbing my leg. I felt so uncomfortable. Then, suddenly, the keys fell and I heard a deep raspy voice say “You dropped something.” I bent over to pick up the keys, but then immediately regretted the decision, because the large man had taken out his huge sausage from the back seat of the time machine. Although I was worried at first, he merely bit into the deli item and then put it away. Expelling a sigh of relief, I proceeded to show him how to boogie down like it was 1979. He then rubbed against my arm in a somewhat unnerving fashion. Meanwhile, Mike Gray was using poor grammar, until Mike Cowell showed up and made fun of him for it while at the same time continuing the story.

The huge man informed me that the time machine would take a while to reach our destination of 1991, and that we would need to find a way to pass time while we waited. He took out what looked like a jar of jelly, and before I knew it we were massaging each others’ backs with it, because time travel is very painful. The jar that looked like jelly turned out to be intended for someone else, so I was very relieved. The man said “Oh my god I’m so sorry, I thought you were Mike Gray.” Of course I accepted his apology, and we arrived shortly thereafter in the year 1991. “This is where I leave you” he said in his gruff manly voice, “If you see Mike Gray, give me a call won’t you? I’ve had this special jelly for years and I need to use it before it expires. All of it!” On that note he disappeared into Brian’s time machine and vanished.

So there I was, abandoned in 1991 with no time machine or methamphetamines. I searched for hours for some clue as to where I was, when I noticed a sign in the distance that read: “Nirvana in Concert; Tonight Only!!!” But as 90’s grunge music had never been my thing, I decided to continue to walk around and explore my surroundings. I soon found that the multitude of girls in overalls and baggy pants was a little excessive. I realized that if I didn’t formulate my plan for escape I would go insane and probably end up hurting someone, so I decided that the only way to get out was to find Brian. I was sure that he, at some point, visited 1991, and would perhaps allow me to use the time machine to get back home.

As I was walking down the street I saw a man walk towards me with a big shopping bag in his hand. The man, as it turned out, was buying parts to build his time machine. This was clearly a young Spencer Wyant, the evil genius who had built Brian’s time machine. I decided to follow him home, but he sneakily maneuvered himself behind me and frightened me! He had a smirk on his face, and must have been nearly 1 year old. Finally he spoke.

“I know what you’re after, time traveler. You’s lookin’ for Brian ain’t ya?” I said yes and asked him how he knew. “Because you’re dressed like a freak” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I can tell you where to find Brian, but the journey will be long and hard.”

“THAT”S WHAT SHE SAID” I shouted excitedly. The young Spencer backhanded me and I fell to the ground, regretting that I could never do “that’s-what-she-said” jokes at an appropriate time.

“As I was sayin’, I’ll help you’s find Brian, but be wary, for there is another time traveler who is trying to locate him. You must reach Brian before the other man finds him.” I asked him who the other time traveler was. “Well, his name is Liam, Liam Krasinski. You might recognize the name from a famous internet subculture involving him wearing a miniskirt, due to being diagnosed with 3rd degree hypomasculitis.”

I raced off to find Brian before Liam could locate him, but I had no idea where to look. So I sat down and started to think. I thought and thought and thought so hard that I exhausted myself, and went to get a drink from a nearby water fountain. But instead of water coming out of the fountain, out popped a giant magnificent genie who promised me two wishes, as three wishes was too stereotypical. I first wished that Liam would get lost so that he would be slowed down, and second that I would know the location of Brian in that time period.

It wasn’t until after making these wishes that I realized how stupid I was to have not just wished myself back to my own time. I was so angry at myself that I intentionally had a conversation with Mike Gray. After that punishment was over, I took advantage of the wishes I had made and started heading towards Brian’s location: Saskatchewan. It would be a tough voyage, but luckily I had my handy dandy iPHONE BY APPLE (TM), FOUNDED BY THE WONDERFUL STEVE JOBS. Using my iPhone, I was able to use Google maps and plan my journey. Just as I was about to leave, I saw my fellow time traveler’s huge sledgehammer, which I used to hit Mike Gray for posting shitty comments on Facebook. After eliminating that nuisance, I continued on my quest with the assistance of my trusty iPhone by Apple (TM).

As I drew closer to Saskatchewan, I became more and more aware of the feeling that I was being watched. I put away my trusty iPhone by Apple (TM) and ran into the nearby woods. I crouched behind a shrubbery, and saw a dark figure running towards the woods in my direction. He didn’t know where I had gone though, so he began searching the bushes for me. This gave me the opportunity I needed, and when he got close enough I leapt out and screamed “FUCK FOX NEWS!” and hit him with my sledgehammer. His dark cloak fell off, and alas, it was Liam!

“Stop, don’t hurt me!” he said. I asked him why he was chasing me and why I shouldn’t end his life, and he said: “I’ve been trying to find you for days, it’s an emergency! Mike Gray’s stupid fucking posts keep clogging up Facebook, and it’s time we put a stop to it.” I asked him how we were going to do that, to which he replied “First we find Brian and get the help of his time machine, then we return to our own time… and kick the crap out of Mike Gray!”

So with a new resolve we left the woods and starting heading towards Brian’s hideout. We noticed that someone else was following us, and they were doing a piss poor job of it considering we could have heard them a mile away. Liam and I looked at each other, counted to 3, and turned around screaming and swinging the sledgehammer, thinking it was Mike Gray with another stupid comment to give. But I stayed my hand once I saw who it was. It was Brian! He looked at us surprised and said “goo goo gaga!”

I realized that we were in 1991 so obviously Brian was still just a baby. We picked him up and ran towards the nearest Radio Shaq. I put him down in the middle of the store and said “Brian, we need a time machine, can you help us?” He started crawling around the store, collecting small electronics and cables, and dragged them into the center of the room. Liam and I watched in amazement as lil’ Brian plugged motherboards into soundboards and soundboards into surfboards and surfboards into boards of wood, until there stood before us a mammoth of a structure: the time machine!

We said our final goodbyes to Brian and asked him if there was anything we could do to repay him, to which he replied:

“I’ve always wanted a VCR? I mean… goo goo gaga VCR.” Since we couldn’t understand baby speak, Liam and I left him to his own matters, and climbed aboard the time machine. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was anything that I was forgetting. And then suddenly it dawned upon me… we had a time machine and should seduce as many women as possible before leaving. Without hesitation, we used the iPhone by Apple [TM] to call as many ladies as possible. We began to serenade them, singing “Wait! They don’t love you like I love you.” In no time at all, women were falling head over heels for us.

With this incredible feat having been achieved, we felt it was time to continue to our destination: the present day. But as the machine whirled into motion and we saw Brian and his new VCR by Sony [TM] slip out of view, something caught my eye. There was an exposed wire inside the time machine! Liam didn’t notice it, and before I could say anything we were thrust forward into the time/space warp.

“Wait a second, something’s not right. These readings aren’t normal.” said Liam. I told him about the exposed wiring, and he said “Oh, don’t worry then, with a small malfunction like that our time leap may be slightly off, but that’s all. No big deal.” Relieved, I sat back down and felt the time machine drifting into a slow descent. The metal behemoth shook, and I grew nauseous. As I was hurling my guts out I noticed the readout on the dashboard of the time machine; the target date was one day before my time-traveling adventure had begun!

As I stepped off of the time machine I detected a slight yet pungent odor in the air. It was something, or someone, that smelled like Mike Gray. Only this time the smell was different, more feminine. It had to be Mike Gray’s mother!

I followed the scent all the way to the Gray household (It wasn’t gray, disappointingly), and found his mother sitting on the couch watching television.

“Wait” I thought, “I’ve been here before. This is where it all started!” I kindly asked Mrs. Gray if we could watch television together, and she accepted. Then, just as I suspected, an ad came onto the TV inquiring about whether or not I would like to be a doctor. Suddenly I realized what was going on, and I tried to remember where Mike Gray was when we saw the ad, and then I remembered… he was on Facebook making stupid posts! So I ran upstairs, kicked down Mike Gray’s door and said:

“MIKE GRAY, YOUR ERA OF SHITTY FACEBOOK COMMENTS HAS COME TO AN END!”

“No, you can’t do this to me, it’s a free country, and I can type whatever I want! What you’re doing is madness!”

“Madness? MADNESS? THIS. IS. FACEBOOK!” I pulled out my sledgehammer and swung as hard as I could, and Mike Gray literally exploded out of his room, leaving a hole the size of a young elephant in his wall, and destroying his computer. He flew past his neighborhood, past the earth’s atmosphere, past the sun, past the Milky Way galaxy, until he was caught in the gravitational pull of a black hole, and finally, Mike Gray was no more.

“Finally” I said. “It’s over. It’s all over; At long last I can browse Facebook without fear of tyranny or oppression from Mike Gray’s shitty posts.” I breathed a sigh of relief, and Liam came running into the house, saying:

“I saw Mike Gray explode out of his room! Is it over?”

“Yes, It’s finally over” I said. “And now I can take off this stupid mask I’ve been wearing this whole time for no reason.” I put my hands on my neck and started to pull my disguise off. As I finally removed it and began to wipe the sweat from my brow, Liam stoop absolutely bewildered. His jaw dropped, his body trembled, and he said in astonished disbelief:

“Sam Conner!?”

THE END

Somehow, by means of some unknown force, I received an A on this paper. There was only one comment written: “Creative!”

Man, sometimes I miss high school classes.

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2 Responses to “Miniskirt”

  1. I managed to hold in all my laughter in until the end. But by then it had already stopped being funny.

  2. tor said

    wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwww hahah i love bellingham

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