Chain Letters

June 11, 2010

I’ve always been a bit of a follower when it comes to internet trends. MySpace, LiveJournal, facebook, YouTube, I’ve had accounts for all the major players in recent history, and took part in all their subsequent internet activities. But one element of the electronic social realm that I’m happy to say I have NEVER been a part of is chain letters.

I saw one today on a random facebook page, and although it pained me to realize that these beasts still exist, I must say it was probably the funniest chain letter I’ve ever read. Here it is:

“Hello. My name is Stacey. I am 15 years old and I am beat up by my parents every night. I have blodshot eyes and moldy hair. I killed my mother. My lips are cut and my nose is broken. This is my story. Every day my parents abuse me by cutting me or just beating me up. Once my mother got mad at me and she taped my mouth shut and locked me in a tiny room with no food and water for 2 days. When she let me out, I strangled her and killed her. The cops came and took me to a mental hospital. I murdered my doctor and some of the other patients and I broke out. While I was running I was shot by a cop and died. BUT I wasn’t done. I came back for one reason, to kill my father that also abused me. If you don’t post this to at least 5 other groups, I will murder you one day this week. Why do I care about this text? Well it warns the non beleivers and my father. You wonder how I am typing this? I am ghost I can control energy, I am capable of typing on a computer by making myself solid. You think I cant find you? I track these done and I will teleport into your room and stand there for 2 hours then stand over your face. You will look right into my souless eyes and I will murder you”

I have to say, for a 15-year-old girl Stacey isn’t very well versed in English. She constantly switches between the past and present tenses when describing her frequent beatings by her parents, who have apparently already been killed? Her spelling isn’t great either; her eyes are blodshot, she’s warning the non beleivers, she is ghost, she tracks these done, and has souless eyes.
Also, she seems to be a very indecisive spirit, as she will murder you “one day this week.” Not any certain day, mind you, just whenever she gets around to it. And once she is in your room she will stand there for 2 hours before murdering you. Why would she do that, to increase the suspense? You can’t get scared if you’re asleep anyways. And just imagine the endurance it would take to stand still in one spot for 2 hours. How boring! What an awful spirit.
Furthermore, her claimed ability to teleport is actually not that impressive. Since a non-matter ghost wouldn’t technically take up space, it could be classified as a form of energy and therefore could easily jump from one spot to another in a seemingly instantaneous amount of time. She’s merely claiming to have the powers of a ghost, which for a ghost isn’t that amazing.
Anyways, clearly the chain letter still thrives and it’s anyone’s guess how. I can’t help but cringe when I see the occasional middle schooler post one on a facebook group. I thought by now such indulgements would have lost their draw? Apparently not. Regardless, please stop spamming my social networks with these creatures. When they aren’t hilarious like this one, they can be quite irksome.

3 Responses to “Chain Letters”

  1. Arlee Bird said

    Actually the writing sounds pretty realistic– have you seen how some of these kids write– and talk–these days.

    I’m with you. The email chain letters are really annoying. Especially the ones that say to send it on if you love Jesus or if you love your country. Give me a break!

    Tossing It Out

  2. Possibly it would be more effective if they bothered to edit, but as Arlee pointed out, this isn’t half bad for a fifteen year old who isn’t being graded on the writing.

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